Swingers Heaven

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Swingers Heaven Jokes Page

Posted: Apr. 20 2005, 9:24 am

The Alphabet

Q: How many letters are there in the Alphabet?
A: 19. ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him!

Posted: Apr. 20 2005, 9:20 am

Life as a Penis

5 reasons not to be a penis -
1. You are bald your entire life;
2. Both of your neighbours are 'nuts';
3. An arsehole lives behind you;
4. Your best mate is a cunt;
5. When excited, you throw up and then you faint!

Posted: Apr. 20 2005, 9:16 am

Women's Needs
A woman needs 4 animal species in her life:-
a Jaguar in her garage;
a Mink in her closet;
a Tiger in her bed!!

Posted: Feb. 9 2005, 11:26 pm

Bush Medicine

A tourist was hiking through the countryside when he injured his toe. It started bleeding, swelling and aching terribly, so much so that he had to return to the small country town he'd just left to get medical attention. The doctor said, "Well, we're a very small town and my hospital isn't equipped to do the surgery your toe requires, and the bus won't be through here until tomorrow to take you out."

The tourist begged for some relief from the pain, so the understanding doctor offered him a pill.

"what's this? My toe is broken and you offer me a Viagra pill? What good will that do?"

Smiling, the doctor reassured him, "Take it before you go to bed and it will keep the blankets off your toe so you can sleep."

Posted: Feb. 9 2005, 11:25 pm

Sex Education #2

A School Teacher gave her students an assignment. They had ten minutes to compose a sentence using the math terms

Add (+), Subtract (-), Divide (/) and Multiply (*).

When time was up, she called on Johnny to read his sentence out to the class. Johnny walked to the front of the class and started by saying he had based his sentence on the formulae for having sex.

First you ADD the bed, then SUBTRACT the clothes, DIVIDE the legs and hope you don't MULTIPLY.

Posted: Feb. 9 2005, 11:25 pm

Body Art

Bruce walked into a Tattoo Parlour and said he wanted a hundred dollar bill tattooed to his penis. The Tattoo Artist thinks it's a bizarre request, but then again, he's heard worse. "That'll cost you $1,000.00" he says. Bruce thinks for a while and decides it's a reasonable charge. The Tattooist starts, and in the middle of the job ask Bruce, "Why are you doing this?" Bruce replies, "That's personal." With that, the Tattooist continues with the tattoo.

However, he is still intrigued by the bizarre request, so he tells Bruce, "I'll waive the fee if you tell me why you're doing this."

Bruce thinks again and replies, "Okay, that's reasonable." "There are three reasons. First I like to play with money; Second I like to watch money grow; and Third and most important, if my wife wants to blow a hundred, well she can do it right at home."

Posted: Feb. 9 2005, 11:25 pm

Educated Sperms

One sperm says to another, "How long will it take to get to the womb?"

The other sperm replies, "Quite a while, we have to pass the tonsils first!!!"

Posted: Feb. 9 2005, 11:24 pm

Sex Education #1

A young boy and his parents on holiday, go to a nude beach. Dad goes for a walk on the beach and the little boy plays in the surf. Soon he comes running up to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than your!"

She says "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." Satisfied with her answer, he goes back to play.

Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got."

Posted: Feb. 9 2005, 11:24 pm

KFC

Q: Why is a woman like KFC?

A: Because after that succulent breast and tender thighs, all you're left with is a greasy box to put your bone in!!

Posted: Feb. 9 2005, 11:23 pm

BAR STOOLS

A guy sitting on a barstool sees in front of him a big jar full of 5 dollar notes and a little card which reads, "Hello, if you would like to win all of this money, you have to make the horse at the end of the bar laugh. Cost $5." So he places $5 in the jar and takes the horse into the bathroom.

Two minutes later, they come out and the horse is laughing so hard that he pissed on the floor. The guy takes the money and leaves.

The next day, the same guy comes into the bar. The horse is at the end of the bar but this time, the note in the jar reads, "You can win all of this if you make the horse cry. $10." He places a $10 note in the jar and takes the horse into the bathroom.

Four minutes later, they come out and the horse is crying his eyes out. The guy takes the jar, but before he could walk out, the bartender asks his "How did you do that?"

The guy replies, "The first time I told him my dick was bigger than his, and the second time, I showed him!"

Posted: Feb. 9 2005, 11:23 pm

OOOOOOH! & AAAAAAAH!

Q: What is the difference between ooooooooooh! and aaaaaaaaaaah?

A: About three inches!

Posted: Feb. 9 2005, 11:22 pm

Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realises she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right next to his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out,

"Business trip or vacation?".

"Nymphomaniac Convention in Sydney," she states.

Whoa!!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting right next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks,

"What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer", she says. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he sys, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"

"Well" she explains, "one popular myth is that African men are the most well-endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Greek descent."

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!".

"Tonto," the man says as he extends his hand. "Tonto Papadopoulos."

Posted: Dec. 21 2004, 3:54 am

GOLF

A married man was having an affair with is secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, waking around 8.00 pm.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she carried out his request. He slipped into his shoes and drive home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he walked into the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you, I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having passionate sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

His wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf."

Posted: Dec. 21 2004, 3:53 am

IN THE CLASSROOM

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher asked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well actually, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "Miss, I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones on a bench, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone and the third sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No Miss" said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

Posted: Dec. 21 2004, 3:51 am

ALIENS

A farmer and his wife were heading back to the house as dusk set in, after working in the field all day. As they approached the home field, they saw strange lights in the adjoining paddock and they decided to investigate. As they got closer, they saw the lights were coming from a space ship which had landed and two aliens were walking towards them.

The aliens said they were researching human sex practices and asked if they could swap partners to help with their research. After discussing it between themselves, the farmer and his wife agreed.

The next morning, the aliens thanked the farmer and his wife for being so co-operative and left.

The farmer was dying to ask his wife what she'd experienced but decided he'll wait for her to tell him. Finally by the end of the day, he could not stand it anymore and asked her, "well, how was it?"

She replied, "It was the best sex I've ever had!"

"Why?" asked the farmer.

"Well," said his wife, "when he took of his trousers, his dick was the size of my small finger. But then , he raised his left arm, turned his left ear and it grew to 18 inches. Then he raised his right arm, turned his right ear, and it got thick and hard and looked like a prize-winning cucumber."

"Well shit," said the farmer, "no wonder that bitch was trying to rip my ears off!"

Posted: Dec. 21 2004, 3:49 am

RETRENCHMENTS ARE TOUGH

Mr. Jones owned a small business employing two employees, Sarah and Jack. Both were extremely good employees, always willing to work overtime and helping out where needed.

Mr. Jones was looking over his balance sheets one day and decided that the business was not profitable enough to warrant two employees and he would have to retrench one of them. He was not able to decide whether to lay off Sarah or Jack because both were excellent employees. Finally he decided to watch them at their daily tasks and the first one to take a break would be the one. So, he sits in his office and watches them performing their daily tasks.

By the end of a week, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take a pain-killing pill. She gets the pill out of her purse and walks over to the water cooler to get a drink of water.

Mr. Jones follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

Sarah responds, "Can you jack off? I have a headache."

Posted: Dec. 21 2004, 3:48 am

WORD DEFINITION #2

Pecker Wrecker - oral sex given to a man by a woman wearing braces on her teeth.

Posted: Dec. 21 2004, 3:47 am

DISCRETION!

A young man went into a chemist shop to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 to 12 and asks which pack the young man wants.

"Well," says the young man, "I've been seeing this cute girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "THE" night. We're having dinner with her folks, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm going to get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want to do it all night, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man pays for the condoms and leaves the chemist shop.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her folks. He asks if he might give thanks for the food they're about to eat, and the parents agree. He begins the prayer, and continues praying, and continues praying, so that the prayer goes on for several looong minutes.

When he finishes the prayer, his girlfriend leans over and says, "You never told me you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

Posted: Dec. 21 2004, 3:47 am

WORD DEFINITION #1

Q: What is the difference between "erotic" and "kinky"?
A: "Erotic" is using a feather..... "kinky" is using the whole chicken.

Posted: Dec. 21 2004, 3:46 am

MEDICAL SCHOOL

A medical school student who wanted to specialise in sexual disorders, arranged to visit a local sexual dysfunction clinic. The Medical Director (MD) of the clinic is showing him around, discussing the clinic and relevant cases, when the student sees a patient openly masturbating in the corridor.

"What condition does he have?" asks the student.

"Oh, he suffers from Seminal Build-up Disorder," the MD replies. "If he doesn't get sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll lapse into a coma."

The student takes notes on that, and they continue down the corridor. As they turn a corner, he sees another patient with his trouser around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.

"What about him?" asks the student. "What's his story?"

"Well, it's the same condition," the MD replies. "He just has a better health plan."

Posted: Dec. 21 2004, 3:45 am

ROOSTER ENVY!
Q: What does a rooster have that a man wants?
A: A hard pecker.

Posted: Dec. 21 2004, 3:44 am

ANXIOUS BLOND

A leggy, buxom, blonde goes to the DHL office and says, "I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe." The clerk behind the desk says, "It will cost you $100."

The blonde says, "But I don't have any money, and I must get a message to her, it's very urgent!.. I'll do anything to get a message to her."

The clerk replies, "Anything?" "Yes, anything!" replies the blond.

He takes her to an empty office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him. "Unzip me..." he says. She does. "Take it out.... go ahead." She does this as well. She looks up at him, his penis in her hands and he says, "Well, go ahead, do it!"

She brings her lips close to the head of his penis and shouts "Hello! Hello Mom?"

Posted: Dec. 21 2004, 3:43 am

FIRST NAME TERMS!

Q: Why do men name their penis?
A: They like to be on first name terms with the one making most of their decisions.

Posted: Dec. 21 2004, 3:41 am

WOMEN & CONDOMS

Q: What do women and condoms have in common?
A: They both spend more time in your wallet than on your penis.

Posted: Dec. 21 2004, 3:39 am

STARS & STRIPES

Knock knock,
Who's there?
Tarzan
Tarzan who?
Tarzan stripes forever.